So the song is on
the radio at work.
You better watch out, you
better not cry
You better not pout I'm
tellin you why
Santa Claus is Coming to
town.
And here I am,
humming along with the song when I realize something; this is a threat. This is a warning as blatant as any orange
alert the federal government placed on New
York
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Now how is this a
dire threat, you may ask? How is an old
fat man with a fluffy white beard at all dangerous? Think about it; every story you hear about
the old man has him doing something illegal.
Santa Claus (aliases include St. Nicholas and Father Christmas) should,
at least, be in possession of the most speeding tickets ever, and worst be the
most wanted international criminal since Jack the Ripper. He should be the cause of more childhood fear
than The Boogeyman in the closet and the monsters under the bed combined.
Think of it; the
opening line of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town?" Sounds like a threat; right there, it's
menacing.
Making a list and
checking it twice? Only serial killers
do that.
He
sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake? A Stalker!
A Peeping Tom, for Christ's sake!
But wait, there's
more! A guy who climbs up and down
chimneys in the dark of night? Breaking
and Entering. An old man who likes to
give "presents" to kids?
Pedophile. Accepting “cookies”
and “milk” for “presents?” That sounds a
lot like extortion, graft, and corruption.
Flying reindeer in the dead of winter?
Illegal genetic tinkering, and cruelty to animals to boot. The
reindeer's hooves on someone's roof should definite count as vandalism and
property damage, plus illegal operation of aircraft. A workshop at the North
Pole surely violates several international labor laws. And what exactly are elves? Small people?
Exploiting the vertically challenged at best, at worst, he's running a
sweat shop with kids, not to mention the probability of counterfeit goods being
produced. And don't get me started on the "Magic pixie dust" -- isn't
that what they called LSD?
And how does he
get all around the world in one night?
Sounds like somebody's going a little high on the radar gun. And those sleigh bells, and the trademark
yell of "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night?" at that hour of the morning on Christmas
Eve. Disturbing the peace, no question.
So parents, tuck
your kids away tonight. Kiss them on
their forehead. And for God's sake,
watch out and don’t let them pout.
Santa Claus is
coming. And he's watching you.
