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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wanted: Claus, Santa (reprint)

So the song is on the radio at work.

                        You better watch out, you better not cry
                        You better not pout I'm tellin you why
                        Santa Claus is Coming to town.

And here I am, humming along with the song when I realize something; this is a threat.  This is a warning as blatant as any orange alert the federal government placed on New York in the last four years.
 Santa Claus is coming to town.
Now how is this a dire threat, you may ask?  How is an old fat man with a fluffy white beard at all dangerous?  Think about it; every story you hear about the old man has him doing something illegal.  Santa Claus (aliases include St. Nicholas and Father Christmas) should, at least, be in possession of the most speeding tickets ever, and worst be the most wanted international criminal since Jack the Ripper.  He should be the cause of more childhood fear than The Boogeyman in the closet and the monsters under the bed combined.
Think of it; the opening line of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town?"  Sounds like a threat; right there, it's menacing.
Making a list and checking it twice?  Only serial killers do that.
            He sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake?  A Stalker!  A Peeping Tom, for Christ's sake!
But wait, there's more!  A guy who climbs up and down chimneys in the dark of night?  Breaking and Entering.  An old man who likes to give "presents" to kids?  Pedophile.  Accepting “cookies” and “milk” for “presents?”  That sounds a lot like extortion, graft, and corruption.  Flying reindeer in the dead of winter?  Illegal genetic tinkering, and cruelty to animals to boot. The reindeer's hooves on someone's roof should definite count as vandalism and property damage, plus illegal operation of aircraft. A workshop at the North Pole surely violates several international labor laws.  And what exactly are elves?  Small people?  Exploiting the vertically challenged at best, at worst, he's running a sweat shop with kids, not to mention the probability of counterfeit goods being produced. And don't get me started on the "Magic pixie dust" -- isn't that what they called LSD?
And how does he get all around the world in one night?  Sounds like somebody's going a little high on the radar gun.  And those sleigh bells, and the trademark yell of "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night?"  at that hour of the morning on Christmas Eve.  Disturbing the peace, no question.
So parents, tuck your kids away tonight.  Kiss them on their forehead.  And for God's sake, watch out and don’t let them pout.
Santa Claus is coming.  And he's watching you.

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